Do You Have the "Cry For Help" Ringtone?

Perusing friends' profiles on MySpace this evening, as is occassionally my wont during late night work/procrastination sessions, I couldn't help but click on the profile of Poverty Has Driven Me Insane, a 36 year-old New Hampshire man who tells us in a blog entitled, When I commit suicide I will be the happiest man on earth, "I don't quite know how to do it. I'm thinking of selling the footage and paying down my overinflated debts!" One kind-hearted girl responds that a public suicide note is "not funny," but the sole other comment is--yep, you guessed it--spam. Or at least I hope it was.

It begins empathetically enough: "hey i was browsing through blogs and just ran into yours, and you know what, i was thinking the same thing as you, thanks for writing it." Alright, so maybe it's a little too enthusiastic and fellow-traveller-ish considering the subject matter. Then again, if Captain Melodrama didn't off himself in a haze of incense and Boys Don't Cry-era Cure at 17, he's probably not going to do it at 36. Morose has never been the aphrodisiac a certain segment of post-modern male has assumed it to be, but even those men recognize that while "goodbye cruel world!" threats ignite the mother hen spark in some similarly disposed women, actually dying is a piss-poor plan for getting laid. (It is, in fact, an even worse plan than advertising your nearly middle-aged broke ass on MySpace.) The sentiment is what counts, though. Unfortunately, "cristian a.k.a. shizza" decides to go that extra mile: "but yeah i NEED to let you know that you can get mp3 quality ring-tones featuring all the top artists sent instantly to your phone, youll love it, go here and enjoy PS, let me know what ones you picked K?"

Something tells me it's not going to be "Come On Get Happy."